December 5th, 2024 – Pouring Through the Dense Fog

Today felt transformative, almost like walking through a dense fog but finding clarity on the other side. I poured three small canvases, and they turned out beautifully. There's something undeniably freeing about pouring—it’s like stepping into a flow state that wipes away everything else. In those moments, I felt like a child again, completely immersed and forgetting the weight of the world. That ease, that simplicity, felt almost like cheating to me. But it’s liberating—like a secret passageway to joy

And yet, there's this contradiction inside me. I’ve never wanted things to be easy. I’ve resisted it my whole life. But at the same time, I long for ease, for stability, especially during those moments when life feels like it’s pressing down. It’s such a paradox—navigating myself, this vessel, in the grand cosmic dance. Balance is always the key. It’s walking the tightrope, the edge, where everything feels most alive. The closer I get to that balance, the more intricate the tapestry I weave in my life.

What struck me today was this realization: the dense energy I’ve struggled with, that heaviness people often label as depression, is just another form of energy. I’ve seen this before—it’s not something to fear, but something to transmute. It’s the raw material for the alchemical process. And today deepened that understanding for me. That realization has solidified: this heaviness isn’t a block—it’s fuel.

Through this, I’ve rediscovered my anchor—art. It’s my bottom rung, my last resort when nothing else feels possible. It’s reliable and grounding in a way nothing else is. I know that meditation helps, that breathing helps, that walking and movement help. But in those dense moments, it’s hard to even reach for those tools. Sometimes I’m just an observer of my own condition, watching myself struggle to move. But art? Art is always accessible. I don’t need to force myself. I can just do it, even when I’m at my lowest. And through that, the energy starts to flow again—first the art, then the meditation, the movement, the breath. It all comes back, step by step. Art is my way forward, every time.

It fits so perfectly into this model of myself: the alchemist artist, the artist alchemist. I transmute these states into creation. Today reminded me of that. It’s my foundation, my truth, my process.

The pourings are still drying, still shifting, but I feel proud of them. The colors and patterns feel alive, like they carry their own story. Even if they feel "easy," they’re meaningful. It’s not about difficulty—it’s about authenticity, and this felt authentic.

Looking at them, I see galaxies and oceans, creation and chaos—all balanced in a single frame. They’re not finished yet, and neither am I. But that’s the beauty of it, isn’t it? Everything is still moving, still flowing, still transforming.